“Smile though your heart is aching
smile even though it’s breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
if you smile through your fear and sorrow.
Smile and maybe tomorrow
you’ll see the sun come shining through for you.
Light up your face with gladness,
hide every trace of sadness
although a tear may be ever so near
that’s the time you must keep on trying.
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
if you just smile.”
(Nat King Cole)
Hey guess what? I am doing just fine.
Long conversations with old friends will do that.
:)
“I know love is a fragile thing
but i’m trying hard to make it last.
But it ain’t easy holding onto my dream
when he’s holding onto the past.
I’m the fool in love with the fool
who’s still in love with you.”
woke up after having intense nightmares.
now i’m going to bed alone after being lied to.
by the person that i stayed in town for.
yep. should’ve gone to florida.
but i didn’t.
for him.
why do i do this.
happy thanksgiving?
at least wednesday was a good day.
and i’ve got high hopes for next year.
“A long December, and there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last…”
ugly ugly ugly ugly.
it’s nice to be told otherwise once in awhile.
by someone who is not a skeeze.
no wonder my self esteem is so low.
Same song, different boy.
“I’ve been waiting up for you to rescue me,
to come around and cover everything.
Relying on my best memories, breathe for me…
And i can still smell summer on your skin
and i can still remember giving in
wrapped all up in your hips and in your sheets
it felt great falling, great falling.
So much better than all of this, all of this.
Tired of singing all these sad songs in my head
but i can’t find enough of anything to drown out what you said
And sometimes i find i catch myself letting you back in.
I’m so tired of singing all these sad songs in my head.
I feel so faded, so far gone
nothing surprises me anymore
i’m not much better now…”
(Matt Nathanson)
So when one break up happens,
it brings back so many memories of past breakups.
and it’s worse than ever.
but i have yet to cry.
what’s wrong with me?
” I miss winter just because i miss when i knew you best;
i miss the typewriter in the basement, i miss making your room a mess.
I miss not being misused; I miss it all, so i guess i lose.
Sea green, see blue.
September 2nd to April 13th, but who’s counting?
Song after song after song after song amounting into mountains…
I regret every single thing i ever said; i said those things too softly…
You tossed your phone fifty feet in the air,
i can’t believe you caught it.
You said whatever you wanted to
as long as you thought it should be true.
You dream, you make movies, you dance.
You moved to Montreal to be closer to France.
How’s that working out? How’s the music? How’s the food?
I know you won’t stay there forever
i know you’re gonna move again and again and again.
sea green, see blue.”
(JayMay)
My cousin is engaged.
I was so happy i screamed and danced around.
They are SO PERFECT together.
but also
i am a wreck about it.
It won’t be the same ever again.
An early quarter-life crisis, perhaps.
We are so old.
So i’m crying extra hard. Because it’s so happy but kind of sad.
“Try to keep an open mind, but
i just can’t sleep on this tonight.
Stop this train; i want to get off and go home again.
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in.
I know i can’t.
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?…
So scared of getting older; i’m only good at being young.
So i play the numbers game
to find a way to say that life has just begun.”
(John Mayer)
Friday: He got here and calmed me down. Ate the chicken’n’dumplings that were going to go to waste, and ate ice cream with me. He bootlegged a copy of a movie that i’d really wanted to see…500 Days of Summer is amazing, by the way. He held me because i felt kind of sickly.
Saturday: Went to breakfast at the caf. Went to pick up some of my meds then went to the walk-in clinic with me and waited for about an hour. When i went back to see the doctor, he waited in the waiting room with my dad and Claire for another hour or so. Patiently. Did not hear one complaining word.
Went to pick up more meds. Then sonic milkshakes. Back to my room so he could free it of killer ladybugs. Took a nap. Went to get more meds. It was actually something OTC for once, so i had no idea what to get. He was braver than me and asked the pharmacist. Then we went to dinner at the caf with a friend who called us a fun couple. I’d have to agree.
Had a marathon of The Office. We’re now on season 5. Netflix instant watch is amazing. But later on, i had the worst night i’d had in awhile. Drug reactions as well as being sick and fevered. Dysautonomia just makes everything worse. Resting heart rate was 138, standing was only 162. Resting is supposed to be 75. I was hallucinating, jittery, couldn’t breathe. It was scary. It’s never gotten that bad without me ending up being hospitalized. But i figured i’d wait it out. I didn’t have $100 hospital copay. And he took care of me. He held me when i wanted to be held, let me go when i wanted to be let go, and slept on the other end of the bed so i wouldn’t get too hot, and used my foot as a pillow.
Sunday: Woke up way earlier than he wanted to, but he didn’t complain. Went to brunch, then to pick up more meds. Went to BAM and Walmart, where he also didn’t complain any. (I’m impossible to shop with…i want to look at everything and end up buying nothing.) He helped me carry A LOT of stuff from the car to my mom’s house. Then we watched Hairspray and he was nice to my mom and brother. And my dogs adore him. Even if he doesn’t know where Baltimore. Went back to my room. One more episode of The Office turned into two more. And now he’s gone for two more weeks.
In conclusion: I completely underestimate him. He is amazing, everything i could ask for and more. So what if it’s rocky and he makes me cry a lot? He also makes me happier than anyone ever has before. So no matter what else i say at any other time…. he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And no amount of hard times will ever change that.
It’s like i fall in love again and again and again.
:)
